Consuming With Class: A ‘How To’ Guide


Nothing defines a freshman’s university experience quite as distinctly as their first night getting absolutely, absurdly, dangerously plastered. Sure, we have all done this (many of us in years more recent as well). Yet, there comes a time in everyone’s life where the habit of saturating ones anatomy in alcohol to the point of violent nausea becomes less appealing. This doesn’t mean you necessarily need to drink less or switch liquors. The pleasure of a good beverage is incomparable. There is, however, a way to do it properly without rendering yoursef a quivering, vomit-saturated mess. With lots of practice, trial and error, and plenty of miscalculations along the way, here are my Four Golden Rules to consuming with class.

Alcohol Always Up
 
We’ve all heard the old adage ‘beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer you’re in the clear.’ But has anyone ever actually achieved success following this method? Personally, I think it’s horseshit. I follow one, very simple rule for ordering my beverages, and that is Alcohol Always Up. Essentially, the percentage of alcohol in your drinks should always increase as the evening progresses, while the quantity diminishes. Start with beer, or light cocktails, work your way up to wine or stronger mixed drinks, and end the evening with hard-liquor, like brandy or whiskey. I like to think this method is effective, because the volume-heavy drinks are consumed on a fresh stomach, while the more alcoholic drinks are consumed in smaller quantities when you are less apt to digest a heavy, carbonated beer. Don’t be afraid to mix different boozes, just mind the order you do it in.
Petite Portions
 
A big, foamy pint of beer is undoubtedly a lovely sight to behold, and even lovelier to imbibe. But you really shouldn’t try to down a 20oz glass of bourbon. To avoid over-indulging, pour yourself smaller glasses. Rather than filling that red wine glass to the rim, just add a finger or two. The mechanical act of refilling your glass will make it seem like you consume more than you actually have, and forces you to pace yourself. This will leave you immensely satisfied when you see how slowly the bottle depletes. The same applies wonderfully for hard-liquors.
Hydrate
 
Ok, fine, your grandmother could have told you this one. Well your granny is goddamn right. Most people think  it’s about grabbing a glass or two of water to take to bed in an attempt to fight off the dry-mouth and hangover. Nah. If you want to properly prepare for a night of serious drinking, you need to drink water well before your evening commences, in between your boozey-bevvies, AND before bed. I like to have 500ml of water before I drink, 500ml while I drink, and bring 500ml to bed with me. This keeps my stomach more full, and helps mitigate my booze consumption. Yes, you’ll piss like a racehorse. But when you climb out of bed, with a moist mouth and fresh as a daisy, you’ll be the envy of your peers.
Sip it Slow
 
There’s a reason I end every post with this maxim. Of all the golden rules, this is the most important. Not only does it refer to savouring your drink, Sip it Slow also ensures you are consuming your beverages at a steady and even rate. Give yourself a chance to digest your drinks before you plow on to the next one. It’s not a race, and the night is still young. If you’re genuinely buckled in for a night of heavy drinking, then pace yourself. You can keep that perfect glow going a lot longer by steadily adding logs to your fire, rather than dumping all your wood on at once.
Everyone should drink in moderation. But sometimes it’s fun to just cut a little bit loose, and imbibe a bit more than the doctor prescribes. If you’re going to do it, just remember to order your drinks properly, keep the portions small, drink water BEFORE you drink booze, and never forget to sip it slow.

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